When he first started to get pornography out of his life, Sam describes a recovery motivation that would come more naturally. Even after a setback, he would say, “It’s OK, I’ve got all these ideas. I’m going to do some things differently…”
But as time passed and he continued to struggle, this husband and father found it harder to maintain the same resolve — with less energy to bounce back and to “pick myself up and get going with ‘hey this is the game plan.’”
“I just started to lose that steam and patience with the process,” he says, recalling feeling confused: “I’ve been doing this for years, but I’m still relapsing every few months.”
“That’s when my progress started to fizzle,” Sam says, recalling a weakening commitment to boundaries, alongside growing complacency towards recovery “dailies” (scripture, prayer, physical exercise). “Eventually, I started to go backward to more relapses.”
He would soon tell a trusted friend that he was “out of gas” and “burned out.”
Understandable urgency
The experience of burnout has received increasing attention ever since stress became a fixture of medical research in the 1980’s — with key lifestyle adjustments now encouraged for certain professions with especially high rates of burnout (health care, education, social work), and for caregivers of those facing chronic illness at home. In recent years, more attention has also gone to burnout and fatigue often experienced by those on a path of healing and recovery from various conditions — including those seeking lasting freedom from compulsive-addictive patterns.
“When I started the 12 steps, I thought the 12 steps meant 12 weeks,” Sam says, chuckling at how much longer he’s drawn strength from the 12 steps-based Addiction Recovery Program sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
“How long is this going to take? Is it ever going to be over? Am I going to be doing this the rest of my life?” Vinny reflects about his own recovery many years ago, as well as stories he often hears from others he now coaches.
The real-life effects from pornography addiction can be so “massive” says therapist Mark Chamberlain, “that it really would be nice if it could be tidied up and people get beyond it and soar free of it, instead of needing to be approached so regularly.”
Across three decades of supporting people with this issue, Chamberlain has authored several books on the topic, including “Willpower is Not Enough” with Dean Byrd (1995), “Wanting More: Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction” (2000) and “Love You, Hate the Porn” with Geoff Steurer (2011).
Impatience with change
It’s not uncommon for someone in recovery to experience some of this natural pressure to get this behind them. “I kept feeling like my life was on the precipice,” Sam says — describing how his marriage, church membership and even his life felt like they were on the line. “I can’t relapse again … the next relapse is the end of things.”
“The expectation that it should be gone and cured” can sometimes “set up someone for recovery fatigue,” says therapist Jeff Ford, describing how frequently distressed people tell him, “I tried that already. I tried going to see my church leader. I tried the 12-steps. I tried therapy. I tried being open with people.”
“Patience is not a skill that many addicts have ever developed,” Vinny reflects — suggesting that people will experience less recovery fatigue as they embrace an “understanding that recovery takes time, usually much longer than we ever thought.”
Conversely, he says men and women often give up on recovery because they “couldn’t wait for change. They wanted it right now, in their way, on their terms.” When an approach doesn’t work so well, Ford agrees, it’s easy for some to conclude, “it’s all a big lie” — even turning away from the possibility of recovery at all.
“I was either going to overcome this addiction, or I was going to leave the church,” Travis shares about his own recovery process — who, like Sam, Vinny and others interviewed for the story, requested anonymity because of the stigma that sexual compulsivity often still carries, even for those who have found more lasting freedom.
‘Just a habit … or something more?’
Part of what lengthens the healing process, Sam suggests, is how long it can take for someone to admit they have a significant problem — describing how he spent years thinking, “I just have a bad habit.”
“It wasn’t until later that I realized that the word addiction applied to what I was struggling with. And then it was years before that really sunk in.”
Part of the varied recovery time arises from variation in problem severity, observes therapist Lili De Hoyos Anderson. “Recovery timeframes are all over the place,” she says, pointing to the fact that exposure happens at early ages for some and much later for others.
Before rock bottom
Even after facing the reality of what he was experiencing, Sam says, “it’s still a negotiation for most people about what’s the minimum effort, amount of money and time to be able to recover.”
“Half measures avail nothing,” cautions the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Big Book. Yet many people, Sam says, keep “going along hoping whatever they’re doing is sufficient, until consequences keep getting worse” — which can press them to feel more willing and open to change as the “pain of the problem becomes more than the pain of the solution.”
When Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) started, many assumed that life had to fall apart to the point of “rock bottom” before people could find recovery. But it’s now widely known that many find recovery “without their whole life falling apart,” Sam explains — not requiring divorce or job loss, just perhaps the threat of more serious consequences.
Weary of ‘battling’
Instead of being forced to change by extreme pain, more now make adjustments that can make a preventive difference. “Experiencing burnout in recovery can be a warning that you need to do things differently,” writes Cheryl Cirelli for a substance abuse recovery facility in Pennsylvania.
For instance, “if your mentality is exclusively focused on stopping and resisting a behavior, that creates such a mental workload,” Vinny says about his own experience.
Chamberlain describes clients who “feel weary battling their thoughts” — pointing to research that shows what a “limiting coping strategy” it is to mostly be “fighting and fleeing something.”
It’s easy for people on the path of recovery to become hypervigilant and fearful about the world — anticipating triggers around every corner. “By comparison, this counselor points to what UCLA psychologist Shelly Taylor calls “tending and befriending” thoughts.
Instead of “sucking energy out,” this more gentle approach increases energy, Chamberlain says, in what he calls a “stewardship over thoughts, feelings and sexual energy inside,” which encourages a compassionate, wise approach to our evolving experience inside, “even as we decide how to respond to it.”
“Charity never faileth,” he says of this more mindful, spiritual approach — one “bringing that energy, smile and positivity to your experience.”
“If recovery is the aggressive pursuit of a great and happy life,” Vinny asks, “who of us would ever get tired of pursuing that?”
Weary of ‘just doing more stuff’
The threat of mounting consequences led Sam to add more and more things to his recovery. “I relapse, and it’s like ‘oh, I need to do this more, and that more.’”
“It feels like there’s so many things I need to change and work on,” Sam admits, “I could come up with probably 30 things to work on, maybe more.” Yet as he would focus on only a few changes at a time, he remembers thinking, “well, I’m still causing problems with all these other areas. So, it almost feels like my life is falling apart faster than I can fix the plethora of problems.”
This eventually pushed Sam to consider deeper solutions. “I have to realize this is bigger than me, and this is bigger than I can handle” — prompting him to take more seriously spiritual influences on healing. “If God changes my heart, it could be that a lot of those 30 things improve automatically as part of the process. And I don’t need to focus on them or target them individually, because there’s kind of a cascade effect.”
Instead of just doing everything that others say helps them in recovery, this man also describes more of a precision focus on learning “what God says is best for me” and being taught “what things I should focus on that are going to be the most helpful for me.”
Keep getting up
“When it comes to real, lasting change there are no ‘quick fixes,’” Vinny says — emphasizing the importance of “being willing to be patient and keep moving down your own personal path of change for as long as it takes.”
“A fall does not negate all of the progress that went before it,” is a common recovery teaching. “The truth is we will fall,” Chris Raleigh says about his own recovery experience, before emphasizing the spiritual dimensions that make a difference for many who find lasting healing. But God is there “lovingly, lifting us up and helping us back on that path to grab hold and to go a few more steps forward.”
“There’s no well, sorry you reached your quota, your limit is up,” he says. The kind of love and power available from God, Ford says, is “available infinitely” — rather than something that is “one and done.”
Addicted to the recovery process?
It’s possible to take some wrong lessons from continued grace and the need for patience, recovering individuals say — resigning oneself to an attitude of ‘this may take awhile, so I might as well just relax about it all.’
Relatedly, Chamberlain highlights the lesser-known fact that a surge of dopamine happens not only when people give in to urges — but also when they resist them or make a new resolution to do better. “The drama of getting burned out, succumbing, and getting back on band-wagon …there’s dopamine hits to each of those extremes,” he says — pointing out that ups and downs of recovery itself can become “an addictive thing.”
One reason “people cycle like that for years, maybe even for decades,” he says, is “because it feels so good to make a resolution to do better and it feels so good to give in after you’ve been white-knuckling for awhile.” And since “it feels so bad to give in, it feels so good to then make a new resolve.”
“You can see why people have a hard time breaking this cycle.” This seasoned therapist raises caution when he sees someone extra motivated and energetic, declaring ”I’m really going to kick it this time.” Chamberlain tells them, “slow down, this might be a part of your cycle” — warning them that “the rocket will come back to earth and the excitement of your withdrawal won’t carry you anymore.”
None of this means resolve, commitment and passion aren’t still key, or that determination and diligence aren’t still critical for making continued progress. Over time, Chamberlain says that people should “be shrinking the footprint of the problem,” which is “the amount of time, energy and focus it consumes from you.”
“One of the benefits of recovery,” he says, is that “you’re able to focus on other things — tapping into a broader array of ways to spend your time and energy.”
No longer on my own
The length of time recovery takes can itself provide meaningful lessons. For a long while, Sam says, he still kept thinking “I’m a hard-working smart guy — I can figure this out.”
Progress has come, Sam says, the more he says, “guess what, I am a smart, hard-working guy, but I just tried everything I could and I’m still not where I need to be. Obviously my resources are insufficient — this addiction is just too big of a monster to fight on my own.”
“If I didn’t have this challenge in life,” Sam adds, “I would definitely struggle more with pride and thinking that my intellect and will was pretty awesome” — reflecting that he may have even stepped away from his faith.
What he’s learned from this struggle, “yokes me to the Savior,” he says, since “I can’t make it through life by myself with this challenge.”
“We are no longer running the show,” the AA ”Big Book” says — a modest attitude the authors describe as protective against burnout: “We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.”
“Doing it alone is a guaranteed strategy for stress and anxiety,” the authors continue. “The greatest enemies” of addicts, author David Hurst elaborates, “are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. They’re all negative emotions that will sap our energy.”
“It takes longer for some people to start to turn life over to God more,” Sam says. “For me, it’s taken a lot of time to drain the ego” — until he ultimately concluded, “Okay God, you win — let’s do it your way. Tell me what to do and how to do it. I’ll focus on one day at a time.”
Nurturing hope
People ask me all the time, “Do you really think people can change?” says Anderson. “And my answer is always the same: Of course, people can change.”
Yet it’s important to underscore the fatigue and exhaustion partners can often experience too, in a complex emotional experience that can involve betrayal, anger and sorrow. Anderson, who runs a podcast, “Choosing Glory,” focused on faith-based applications to challenges in family and marriage, speaks about how confusing it can be for a partner to tell whether change is really happening.
“Am I just being a fool for waiting — stupid for hoping my partner is making progress?” she was asked by a female client once. In response, Anderson researched five signs that are usually present when someone is making genuine progress in recovery:
“The highs get higher, the lows get higher, the highs last longer, the lows are shorter in duration, and the highs and lows are closer together” (meaning, a high and low day start to be more similar than not — with dips becoming less severe).
This discouraged spouse was surprised and heartened to realize her husband was experiencing “all five of those things” — shifting her perspective towards more anticipation and hope.
Weariness as a sign of readiness?
Chamberlain remains optimistic, including about those who have given up for a time. “I have been amazed at how many people who go down a path of not caring … start to care again,” Chamberlain says. “Their better angels kind of wake up and they just are like, ‘I really don’t want to accommodate porn in my lifestyle.’”
| Scott G Winterton, Deseret News
“I have been amazed at how many people who go down a path of not caring … start to care again.”
— Dr. Mark Chamberlain
To those still struggling to break free, Chamberlain recommends that people welcome such a moment as an opportunity to “recognize what they’re doing that isn’t working … without abandoning the overall effort, as though the whole effort is doomed” — something Steve Hayes, the creator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy calls “creative hopelessness.”
Even when “people go through another cycle of indulgence,” Chamberlain says, “they’ll get fed up by the indulging soon enough as well,” because he says, a life of regular porn use “really sucks genuinely to the core” — pointing to the emotional emptiness and fatigue so many come to feel.
But, he says, “maybe those who are most weary are most ready to get off that whole roller coaster.”
