My girlfriend thinks our sex life is a joke. I’m not laughing.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My girlfriend of two years is no longer interested in sex. When we first got together, we both had a very high sex drive and seemed to satisfy each other’s needs. As the relationship progressed, we had a few conversations about how we never wanted to become one of “those” couples who almost never sleep together. In fact, she even mentioned that a couple of her previous relationships had gone sour partly because the other partner lost interest in sex. Last year we had a rough patch which lasted a few months. She had a period of unemployment followed by a very stressful start to a new job, plus a lot of anxiety about her living situation. Combined with some ongoing trauma from childhood, this led to her having an extremely short temper and we argued a lot. During this time, I’ll admit that I wasn’t a particularly good partner. I focused a lot on how her anxiety affected me rather than how I could help her through it, and I also stopped caring about my health/appearance and turned into a bit of a slob.

We recently moved in together, and for the most part things are great. We’re both very content in our living situation and we have been planning a lot for the future (something she has always struggled with). We have even discussed potentially starting a family in another couple of years. The only thing which hasn’t improved since our rough patch is that we’re still barely having sex. We sleep together maybe twice a month, and even then it honestly comes across like a chore for her. I know this is more sex than a lot of couples have, but it’s way less than I’d like, and based on conversations we had earlier in the relationship I don’t think it’s what she wants either. Unfortunately whenever I try to discuss this, my girlfriend gets upset and tells me I’m making her even less likely to want sex, because she feels like I’m putting her under pressure.

I understand that her attraction faded towards me when I stopped caring about my appearance, but I’m fully on top of that now. I also understand that she isn’t very confident in her own appearance right now, so it’s difficult for her to feel “sexy” (although I do think she’s very sexy). She has a very emotionally draining job which makes it difficult to wind down after work, and because she’s often on call almost 24/7 it means she practically never relaxes at all. We had some success with smoking weed to “get her in the mood,” but that subsided after a few weeks. Lately, she has started making jokes about the fact that we aren’t having sex. The other day we showered together and she made fun of me for getting turned on, or she’ll say something like, “If you do the dishes then maybe I’ll have sex with you tonight”. I say of course I’ll do the dishes, but I don’t ever want to have transactional sex, and she’ll say she was just kidding anyway. Similarly, she has started “jokingly” leaning away from me when I try to kiss her. I have explained that this upsets me, and again she says it’s just a joke. We have a very similar sense of humor, and I would probably find all this stuff funny if we were still having regular sex, but we aren’t. I don’t understand how we’re supposed to move forward with this if the only time we ever talk about it is when she makes jokes, and when I try to have a serious conversation she shuts it down.

Right now, I feel like I’m doing everything “right” in terms of being a good partner. I cook dinner most nights, I frequently drive her to/from work even though it’s far out of my way, I do all the ironing, etc. So I don’t understand what could be driving this wedge between us. Recently—and I might be imagining this—there have been a couple of occasions where she seemed to deliberately place the cat in between us when we got into bed. To be clear, I don’t believe I’m “owed” sex from my girlfriend, I just want to understand how I can help her to feel comfortable having sex again. In every other sense, this is the healthiest relationship I’ve had—we both have similar goals in life, she isn’t a commitment-phobe like many of my previous partners, she is funny and kind and creative, and she has taught me things about myself which I don’t think I would have learned otherwise.

We’re both barely 30. We aren’t an elderly couple who have been married for decades and are sick of the sight of each other. I don’t want to be like this, and based on conversations from earlier in the relationship I don’t think my girlfriend wants it either. Am I missing something?

—Confused

Dear Confused,

You probably are missing something. I can’t read your girlfriend’s mind, but I am guessing that things that were said and/or done during your rough patch may have affected her and caused her to view you or the relationship differently. But herein lies the frustration: Just as I can only guess what’s up with her, so can you, as she’s not relinquishing that information.

To maximize the chances of her doing so, check yourself first. You’re getting shut down when you try to discuss this. That could mean a lot of things, but let’s keep it in the realm of what you can control: How are you approaching this topic? You previously had issues stemming from your egocentrism regarding her anxiety. Are you still leading with how this sexual drought affects you? If so, that may be your issue. It would be better to take a more removed approach—what does she think of your sex life? Is there anything that she needs or wants? Is there anything that you can do to make her more comfortable? You agreed early on that you “never wanted to become one of ‘those’ couples who almost never sleep together.” Now that you are in fact one of those couples, what does she think about that? Making sex a priority is one of the things Emily Nagoski points to as helping couples sustain sex over the long term in Come Together. That’s not a solo venture. You’re going to need your girlfriend’s participation to conquer this issue. You can’t force it. All you can do is set things up to maximize your success in the event of such a conversation taking place.

If she simply won’t hear of your valid concerns about the changing nature of your sexual relationship, write her a letter that enumerates said concerns. If that still fails to elicit a response, maybe brainstorm alternatives to an active sex life with her (say, opening the relationship or ending it) and share those with her as well. The emotion within (and length of) your letter suggests this is serious for you—you could even show her that as a way to get the conversation started. Couples counseling could be a good way of getting her to open up—that’s what you’d be there to do, and she might feel safer about that in front of an impartial third party.

Dear How to Do It,

My partner and I have been gradually learning each others’ kinks and exploring dom/sub dynamics over the last few months which has been lots of fun. Most recently we’ve discovered that he’d really like me to peg him while I’m in the dominant role which I’m looking forward to. My only worry is that he’s a queer man who’s had plenty of anal sex with, you know, actual penises, and I’m a little self-conscious that what I’ll be able to do with a dildo won’t match up (it also doesn’t help that I’m a small, physically weak woman so I’m already feeling a bit under-confident about trying to dominate him in a physical sense). Could you give any advice or point me towards anything I should read? I’ve been frustrated to find most advice on pegging for heterosexual couples seems very focused on straight male partners rather than experienced bottoms!

—Trepidatious Top

Dear Trepidatious Top,

Your concern here comes from a lovely place—you want your partner to feel good. But unless his request came with a caveat—“And you better do me perfectly”—you are putting needless pressure on yourself. Reread your own words: He’d really like you to peg him. He knows who you are and likely what to expect. He’s not asking a dude who’s had a dick his whole life to plow him. He’s asking you. The inexperience that you fear may be a liability may actually be a strength—perhaps it is the stroke of newness that he’s after. Maybe your softness will provide a nice contrast to the intensity of being penetrated by a strong man with a penis. Or maybe your technique doesn’t matter much to him and what’s thrilling here is the you of it all (or, more specifically, of submitting to you). In that case, no matter how you do it, satisfying him may be easy: Try doing what comes naturally and keep yourself open to feedback. You are right that resources for pegging a seasoned bottom are hard to come by. I recommend reading up on what you can and having a conversation with your partner before and/or during sex to fine tune to his specifications if needed.

But don’t take my word for it. For a bit of help with someone who has first hand (slash anus) experience, I reached out to my friend Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and Grindr’s sex and relationship expert. I’m including Zane’s full email response below, which I hope will serve as reinforcement to my encouragement:

While your fear is valid, it’s crucial to remember he’s not comparing you to other men. It’s like apples and oranges. I say this from experience as a pro bottom who’s taken dick from cis men and been pegged by cis women. It’s actually really hot and arousing to get pegged by a smaller woman. It’s a unique experience.

I also recommend that you talk to your partner. Let him know you feel insecure about this and have him reassure you. Also, note that the first time might not be great. That’s okay! This is the perk of being with someone long-term: you have time to grow sexually together. It doesn’t have to be life-changing the first time you have sex. So take a deep breath, let him know you’re anxious, and lean into the fact that you’re a cis woman pegging him.

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Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend and I encountered an unexpected problem. We’ve been poly for a long time. We are now primary partners, and I have a few long-term, non-primary sex partners. My boyfriend and I got tested when we became serious (and do so on a regular basis) and don’t use condoms in our relationship, save for a few times at the beginning. In my previous and current relationships, my non-primary sex partners always wear condoms. I never inquired how they chose them, honestly. During our time together, my boyfriend had a few encounters, none lasted very long, and his partners also got tested at the start and they did not use condoms for their encounters. He is now in what has a promise of a longer relationship with a much younger woman, and we both agree condoms are a must. He is also hoping to find a male partner (he is bi).

Now to my question: He says he hates condoms. He says he can’t feel much and loses his erection when he tries to wear them (this kind of true—his dick is finicky even without condoms). I suggested we try to figure it out by using them on a regular basis and making it fun. We did yesterday, and tried two different brands of “sensitive” condoms from his stash. From what I see they are too small. He is of average size in both length and girth, but he can barely put them on and then they slide off during sex. He said he tried XL and they are too big.

How does one go about choosing a condom? Obviously “grab the first one from 7 Eleven” does not work for him.

—Turns Out I Have No Clue

Dear Turns Out I Have No Clue,

A few years ago, a so-called “condom challenge” spread across the internet. It featured condoms filled with water being dropped on people’s heads. I’m not bringing this up to advocate for it because it’s dangerous and stupid (it came with the risk of suffocation), but to point out that condoms make hefty water balloons—they stretch to shapes that virtually no penis could ever aspire to. If your boyfriend has an average-sized dick and he can barely roll a condom over it (and if it doesn’t stay), he’s probably doing it wrong. As a refresher: Pinch the rolled-up condom’s tip (the reservoir), place it on the head, roll down to the base.

Just for the sake of argument, though, say your boyfriend’s dick is some magically in-between size: Too big for average-sized condoms, too small for Magnums (which are actually just slightly bigger than average-sized, by the way). Tell him to check out MyOne, a brand that makes 52 sizes of condoms based on 10 lengths and 9 widths. There’s a “Fit Code” calculator on the MyOne website to ensure accurate selection (more on this in a previous column). That way there will be no excuses.

You see, part of me wonders whether or not his trouble with fitting is actually just an excuse—this is someone who openly hates condoms and now he’s being asked to wear them after not doing so. He has other options besides the standard latex condoms, like Unique, which are billed as the “world’s thinnest non-latex condoms” and made with polyethylene synthetic resin. Another textural alternative: SKYN condoms, which are made with synthetic polyisoprene. He could also experiment with a condom-cockring combo–the cockring may help him stay hard and/or keep the condom fastened. I love that you proposed to try them out with him to make this fun. Keep up that adventurous spirit. If he’s getting wood issues with condoms, he might try a PDE5 inhibitor like sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis), which could give his erections some extra strength to withstand the weight of the rubber (or whatever material he ends up going with).

Condoms are a “must” at this point, for you, which is totally valid. If none of the above options ends up working, though, and your boyfriend’s own condom challenges persist, consider frequent testing, which could at least catch asymptomatic STIs early. (Regular testing is a good thing for non-monogamous people to be undergoing, whether or not they use condoms with their partners.) There’s also PrEP to consider, which involves antiretroviral medication that is highly effective (up to 99 percent) in preventing HIV transmission. Those on PrEP are supposed to be tested for STIs every few months (the exact timing depends on how the PrEP is administered), so in addition to HIV prevention, PrEP is also instrumental in STI detection. This is, at least, an option to consider as it affords considerable peace of mind in addition to protection against HIV.

—Rich

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