Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been widowed for about 18 months. My husband died in a way that left a lot of questions. The police and coroner ruled it an accident, and I am entitled to his life insurance as a result. I’m completely certain it was suicide. He didn’t leave a note or anything, but it lines up with his behavior before death and some conversations we’d had. He was under huge stress at work and was trying to quit his gambling addiction, and we’d been talking about divorce if he couldn’t stop. I feel sad and guilty but also so angry, and there’s no one I can talk about it with.
I’m in a spousal grief group, but everyone is much older and lost husbands to cancer or things like that. Our town is small so I’ve also looked online but I need to be with people in real life. I’m on a waiting list for therapy. The one time I tried to talk about it as suicide with my in-laws, they shut me out, and my own family sees suicide as a religious sin so I can’t talk to them. My friends didn’t like him by the end and were encouraging the divorce, so I can’t go to them because they seem to feel like his “accidental” death was hugely lucky. I’m financially secure for the first time since we got married, and my stress levels and health have recovered in a big way, but I’m still mourning him and I still loved him. I hate that we’re all pretending he died by accident and it feels like I have to bottle up all the messy parts of my grief. What can I do?
—Widowed
Dear Widowed,
Being a widow sounds particularly tough in this case because not only are you experiencing your own grief, but there are also always people attempting to grieve, or not grieve, for you. It sounds like the circumstances of your late husband’s life were complicated, to say the least, and his actions incited reactions from a lot of people in your orbit. I’m sure that means they’re all dealing with their own complicated versions of grief in the wake of his death. But that shouldn’t be your problem. You need people you can talk to who aren’t connected with your husband, and if you want, you or your community at all. There are lots of meeting spaces online for people in the throes of grief, down to niche groups like specific ones for young widows and widowers.
These could be worth checking out, if only for the sense of community, which it seems like is the thing you could use the most right now. I’m sorry for your loss, for your trouble, for your in-laws, and for what you feel you can’t say to the people who are supposed to love you most. You deserve better, and it is my sincere hope that you find it.
Dear Prudence,
I recently moved to the same city as my uncle. He lost his wife three years ago and is undergoing radiation treatment as well. They never had kids—I am getting a lot of family pressure to help him out more and more. The problem is he is a loudmouth, racist, religious nut job who refuses to shut up. The man will dump is entire life story at the drop of a hat to anyone who he can corral to listen. His favorite victims are the employees at the local grocery store; he will literally block in an employee stocking the shelves to tell him how his cancer was a gift from Jesus because it allows him to minster to people and then proceed to interrogate them about how they need to ask God into their heart. I had to basically drag him to the checkout line and let the poor employee get back to work. The ride home was even worse because my uncle was going on and on about how his grandiose narcissism was going to save people’s souls. Plus, God loves Trump. My mother claims he is just lonely and I will be old someday and my uncle deserves patience. I am about this close to popping the old man in the throat just to shut him up. I need some help here.
—Silence Is Golden
Dear Silence Is Golden,
Sometimes, families do this thing where they encourage one person to help another member of the family, so they don’t have to. It sounds to me like that’s what’s happening to you here. Differences of opinion are common, and any mentally and emotionally healthy person can usually navigate the ensuing moments of disagreement. However, what you’re experiencing with your uncle isn’t really about his opinions as much as his personality. Whether it is induced by loneliness or a lifelong commitment to being a jerk, your uncle seems to be practiced in antisocial behavior that doesn’t really lead to something like, say, your nephew wanting to spend time around you.
If spending time with your uncle has become a task that costs you too much energy on an emotional level, it’s time for your family to start contributing in the ways they insist you do. I understand that they may not live as close to him, but perhaps you could look at pooling funds to assist with rideshare or caretaking costs from professionals. Of course, this isn’t an opportunity to just dump the man into someone else’s arms and ask them from take it from here. Someone, maybe you, needs to let him know that his behavior isn’t bringing people closer to him, it’s pushing them away. Maybe offer him some suggestions to better connect to his family and community. In any event, you don’t want to be in the position of his sole caregiver and company, and if you have people in your life insisting you do so, you must insist that they take part in his care, too.
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Dear Prudence,
My mother has been living in a house my father left me for the past few years. My parents divorced when I was very young and she was an infrequent presence in my life growing up, largely because of a host of mental health and dependency issues. She was essentially homeless for a couple of decades.
My dad left me a lot and I do well enough, so I guess I felt I could “save” her and have the relationship with her that I always yearned for. Instead, it has been a nightmare. I was smart enough to make her sign an agreement, which I regularly have to enforce to manage noise and other complaints from neighbors and the police. Recently, I was contacted by a realtor who informed me that my mother was trying to sell the house—the one she doesn’t own and that is not in her name. Since I put my foot down on that issue and warned her that I wouldn’t put up with her behavior, her “boyfriend” has threatened to beat me up and she has subjected me to a series of vitriolic verbal attacks accusing me of stealing from her.
I’m at my wit’s end and utterly heartbroken. I was trying to help and created a fantasy of this loving relationship. Instead, I am dealing with a psychotic, drug dependent stranger living in my house, but I cannot find the strength to cut ties and kick her and her sleazy friend out. Is there any other way forward? Or do I just have to toughen up and accept that this is the wrong well in which to be fishing for love and acceptance?
—Not Your Punching Bag
Dear Not Your Punching Bag,
You don’t have to toughen up, throw her out, or sell the house. You just have to love yourself more than she seems capable of right now. Ask yourself, even though your mother clearly needs help, are you the one she’s going to accept help from? What are you willing to lose, mentally and materially, if she never gets better? Those are tough questions to answer and I understand why you would hesitate to let your mind go there, but I believe that going exactly there will help you get closer to the answers you seek.
Your fantasy isn’t just of a loving relationship, it’s that at some point, her addiction has to end. The more likely truth is that it won’t end well, and if it does, that can take a very long time. How long are you willing to wait, and again, what are you willing to lose in the process? Whether or not you accept that this is the wrong well to be fishing for love in, it is. So, what are you going to do with the truth? My suggestion? Tell your mom you love her and that you always will. Tell her you’ll never stop hoping she’s able to heal. Offer to connect her with resources, give her a month (or whatever feels reasonable) of notice, and tell her you need her to find another place to live. And even if enforcing that decision proves difficult, know that you’re doing the right thing.
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Dear Prudence,
I am a grandma whose grandkids (four of them) live out of state. I would love to maybe closer to any of them, but it’s too late. I have brain cancer and I need my doctors. What can I do for them to show my love? Donate to a special cause? Would that be appropriate?
—Lost
Dear Lost,
Though it’s a lovely idea, I’m sure that what your kids would like more than a donation to a charity is to hear from you more as whatever is to come comes. Now would be a great time to have meaningful conversations about how much you care for them, to make time for gathering; even if you don’t have the ability to move, you can be closer. Write them letters, send them videos from your phone, and say everything you ever wanted to say. Say it with love and your whole heart. That’s so much better than any amount you could ever spend. Take good care.
Dear Prudence,
Earlier this year, we moved across the country, as my husband was offered his dream career opportunity. It’s been nine months, and it has become apparent that this job is making him miserable. He was essentially brought in to rehab a failing department and has faced opposition from his peers and those who report to him any time he tries to implement a change. He really does want what is best for the department, but has encountered a culture that is deeply entrenched and resistant to change. He has some supporters, but he is very sensitive to negative feedback and feels he is failing.
I am trying to be a supportive and positive presence in his life, but his misery over his job is trickling into our personal life. He has taken to drinking as soon as he gets home from work until he goes to bed (at 8 p.m.). He has no energy on the weekends to go out or do all the things we looked forward to doing when we moved out here (the beach is five minutes away! We have three national parks within a 5-hour drive of us!). I walk on eggshells around him because his sensitivity to criticism and perception that he’s failing seem to be on a hairpin trigger. If he tells me he’s making eggs for breakfast and I say I’m getting myself a bowl of cereal, suddenly it’s me telling him he’s not good enough. Any time I try to talk to him about how it’s affecting me, he tells me I don’t understand how stressful his job is and he can’t “take on my issues” because he has enough on his plate already.
I love him and it is killing me to see my previously happy, fun-loving husband turning into this bitter, burnt-out man. I am so worried for him. I have asked him if maybe this job isn’t for him and have pointed out that walking away from it to preserve his mental health isn’t “giving up.” He signed a contract for three years and feels he has to stick with it. (I work full time and we could definitely get by just on my salary for a bit.) I know he needs therapy, but he has refused any suggestion of it. In the meantime, what can I do? His commitment to white-knuckling through a job he hates while he’s in sheer misery is making me miserable too.
—The Job’s Not Worth It
Dear Not Worth It,
I understand your husband’s desire to honor his commitments, but sometimes enough is enough. He will either have to find a way to communicate with his colleagues that leads to a better experience, find a new job, or start seeing a counselor who may be able to help him separate some of what he’s experiencing at work from his life at home. I know it’s taken so much work and coordination to get to where he is, and it will be hard to walk away from that if need be, but how much is it worth working hard at a job that steals your peace in other areas of your life?
It makes sense that your husband has been excited about an opportunity to climb the ladder in his company, but it is possible to find yourself halfway up the wrong ladder trying to decide if you should just keep climbing, or head back down and fight the right one. In this case, though your husband is resistant to it, it would most likely be better for you all in the long-term if he set out in search of a new ladder. If you can’t get him to see a counselor, then he has to sit with you and come up with at least three ways for the two of you to start addressing this issue at home. Make him understand how serious this is. The sooner, the better.
Classic Prudie
My 27-year-old daughter has been with a guy (30 years old) for about a year that I initially had a lot of reservations about. She told me that he had a hard childhood, past drug problems, and a daughter he does not see (according to him it’s because the mother won’t let him). He recently told me that he had been in an elite military group. He said he didn’t like to talk about it but wanted me to know about it. At first, I thought that it explained a lot about him, he probably had PTSD. Being curious and a good internet sleuth, I tried to find evidence of his military career. The result is that there is no record of his having served.